The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
