Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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