I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
