a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
