Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
