So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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