honey bunches of taint.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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