1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
