if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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