Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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