So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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