Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom