remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
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I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
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They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.