eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
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she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
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I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
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