I'm an idiot
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas