You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card