a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I am available for nakedness
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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