What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
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And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
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He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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