someone threw a dead crab at me
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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