So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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