Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
tell me about the eggs
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
