My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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