My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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