my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
