I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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