i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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