My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
