Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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