I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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