we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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