And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
