Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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