We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
