That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
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In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
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and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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