i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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