I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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