so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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