A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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