I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
