I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
