apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize