I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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