you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
