I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
