so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
