I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
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Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
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No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize