been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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