so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
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Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
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I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.