dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
