I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
