note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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