He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
