Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You know, be my cock's hype man.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
