Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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