Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
