that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
