if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
