3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
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