i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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