were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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