Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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