I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
