I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
